The Expendables

All of those who love action movies with little to no plots raise your hands. Raise ‘em high and proud because they are the best movies of all time. Citizen Kane ain’t go $h%t on them! Seriously there is nothing quite as fun as an all out hour and a half brawl fueled by guns, muscles and corrupt drug lords with an entire army of chavos on their side. Now that being said, the only way to make a movie like this better would be to stuff it to the gills with every action star that has ever lived, sans a French guy from Belgium and the bearded one they call Norris. Oh wait this movie was created and it is the best thing I ever saw. This movie is the Expendables. This movie is the religious equivalent to baptism by fire, but this is baptism by carnage and bullets and Stallone’s weird upper lip twitch.

Why are action movies so damn entertaining? Because we as Americans have a direct lineage to rebellion and defending principles and an intense loyalty to freedom, which happens to be the exact principles to which the good guys in our action movies are loyal. I love the amount of bullets in this movie. Let me explain my favorite cinematic equation: # of bullets fired is directly related to the amount of deaths in a film; therefore the more bullets that are fired, the more deaths that we see. As we see in any great action flick, the best good guys are surrounded more by bullet casings then bad guys, women and legitimate dialogue.

What makes this movie so special is that you have 98% of the swinging Dicks( as in private eyes) in any action movie worth a damn, and they work so well together on a team of bad @$$ mothas. I think the most telling part of this movie is the role to which Mickey Rourke is assigned. He is the spiritual leader of this modern day “Wild Bunch”, giving appropriate guidance and healing when necessary. Good. His face looks like the after effects of a Viking rading party, with much raping and pillaging. He looks so terrible. Stallone of course plays the good guy who is a bad boy with a big heart, who predictably risks the integrity of the mission in order to save the tasty Spanish heroine. Who the hell would risk the safety of themselves and their team for a fat girl? Not this guy.

The thing about this movie is there are a couple of minor twists and turns, but it is obviously predictable as could be. Who cares! It is filled with blood and gore, foul language, an awesome montage or three, guns, buff heroes, a great double conflict, Eric Roberts and some gnarly vehicles. You really couldn’t ask for anything more. I was laughing out loud the ENTIRE movie because it was that fun. I frigging loved it and so did my sweet @$$ wife, who turns out is the coolest woman of all time. Go see it as a Saturday matinee, you will not regret it.