Sunday, August 14, 2016

A letter to John Oliver

Dear Mr. John Oliver,

First, let me do a little ass kissing and say how wonderful your program is. The ability that you and your staff have of creating awareness about topics relevant to our society both global and domestic, can not be overstated. Your show creates buzz around issues in ways that many people are ignorant to or of which they are not aware. I have watched your show since episode 1 and will continue to watch it, until either Trump deports you or you get an offer to host some high-paying, shitty late night show. Thank you for making us get misty of the eyes with your medical debt purchasing and making us laugh uproariously with your “Make Donald Drumpf Again” campaign. You and your staff are truly the patron saints of the Misinformed. I thought of you the other day as 21st century British Jesus preaching a gospel of awesome and change to a land of unrepentant gentiles.

Second, your political leaning makes no difference to me. That being said I would love for you and your staff to dive into the utter ridiculousness that is Hillary Clinton. The research that team is able to put together is amazing and I would really love for you and your team to look at all of the trainwreckery in which she has been involved and dedicate an episode or three to it. Drumpf is the worst and really provides plenty of fodder in just his normal day jackassery and you have done a marvelous job reinforcing how terrible he is and full of shit he really is. Hillary is equally as terrible and as full of shit as The Donald, yet hasn’t gotten the shellacking that she equally deserves. It is about equal rights isn’t it? The Clinton Foundation seems to be run with the same moral standards as the Madoff Investment Securities Co. Hillary has really proven to be as dangerous to our country as Trump and I am just giddy at the thought of Last Week Tonight team sinking their research claws into The Hillary.

Thirdly, and the reason for my letter. This is going to sound ridiculous and insane, no more so than the Drumpf being an actual POTUS nominee, but hear me out. Here is what I want the Oliver team to push for, A Mitt Romney/Bernie Sanders ticket. I freaking know. I know. 

Here is why: (also consider that I am admittedly not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I have never regularly breathed through my mouth) Romney is far and away the most presidential of candidates. He is calm and composed and has a full head of non-Donald hair. The man has an air that exudes confidence and leadership. If you watch the debates in 2012 I think he does a wonderful job of being diplomatic and presidential. He had great success in a very liberal state as governor and really helped to change a lot of issues in Mass. The man is an economic genius and I believe can help make important strides in our economy both on a domestic and global sense. There are a number of policies of his on which I agree and his track record in business and politics shows that he has what it takes. Those are facts and not feelings. 

Now on to our crazy, but oddly brilliant uncle, Bernie Sanders. Listen the guy has some of the worst ideas that we have heard during this election. His supporters are loud, hippie, stank monsters who are unbearable as shit. Stop making comparisons between the US and Scandinavian countries you pile of berkenstock wearing douche nozzles. All of that aside, the man is as close to an idealogical politician as there is and operates seemingly without a price tag. He does things cause he believes in them. I love that. He makes a great argument for campaign reform, the social programs and I love his idea for taxing stock trades. I can’t believe a capitalist just said that, but Wall Street should be paying for the money exchanging, in incremental amounts, considering we floated their arrogant asses a couple of hundred billion(cue sarcastic slow clap. Cue It.) Now using it to pay for Millenials education is total horse shit. The Millenials college classes such as “Pokemon GO and your Feelings: How to rid your Vagina of the Sand” or “PBR is really Gonorrhea Piss but it matches your Self-Entitlement and Skinny Jeans” should not be payed for. Use the shit piles of money to subsidize social programs or an extensive solar energy effort. 

The truth of the matter is that both current candidates are not what the POTUS should be and this country is more polarized than ever on every issue regarding this great nation of ours. Romney/Sanders, it is crazy AF but so is Hillary and Drumpf in office. Their joint campaign slogan seems to be “America: It’s going to be our toilet for the next 4 years. Good thing we can wipe our asses with The Constitution ” 

Preach my bi-partisan dreams, British Jesus! I wasn’t quite sure how to end this, obviously. 

Your friend,

Matt Lorenzo

On Twitter @ wopgenius51